Mommy

Mommy, I miss you especially today. The day you left us. 9 years already, the pain feels as if it were yesterday.

Mommy, you have a granddaughter – we named her after you. Daddy calls her Hannah-B, and it makes me think of you every time. People say she has my eyes which means she has your eyes Mom.

I hope that you can see her, I pray that you are watching. I hope that you can see her grow, how beautiful she is. She loves her other Grandma, squeals and giggles when she sees her, I wish that she could do the same for you – it hurts so much to know she never will.

She’s not a great sleeper, I’m up so many times a night. I wish I had you to tell me she’d outgrow it, that you survived this three times over and still loved us after it all. I wish that you were here to hold her while I napped, to come shopping with us and sit and watch her play on the grass. I wish that you were here to teach her to dance as soon as she can walk, and to tell me it’s ok if she doesn’t crawl.

Mom I want to tell you a million things about her every day. I want to show you every little thing that she does, and I know you’d be just as excited as I am over the small things. I want to ask you if you think she’s teething, I want you to help me cut her nails.

I want to tell you how I only know now how much you must have loved us, how each of the sacrifices you made were gladly done, how now I understand when you said the hidings hurt you more than me.

She has such a precious laugh Mom, I’d give anything for you to hear it. Such a sense of humour, everything’s a game.

I know it’s useless wishing, and wallowing it what could be. But on this day especially I can’t help it. I’m angry at whoever is out there with their sick and twisted plan that took you from us. Who robbed us of our mother, deprived my daughter of her granny. It isn’t fair, it isn’t right. But we push on all the same.

I’ll tell her all about you, when she’s old enough to understandshe’ll hear all the stories, see all the pictures, know which recipes are yours. She may not get to know you, but she’ll know you would have loved her, the Granny with her name.

I miss you Mommy.

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