Did you really just say that to me?

If there’s one thing that pregnancy and childbirth has taught me, it’s that as soon as you’ve peed on that magical little stick and seen the plus sign or pink line or pregnant flashing screen….your body and what you do with it is no longer your own. It seems as if everyone wants to know every inappropriate thing about you, and they have no qualms about asking!

It starts when you announce your pregnancy. My husband and I have been together almost 10 years, married for 2, approaching our 30’s. We have a house and have expressed our intention to reproduce some day. So someone please explain to me why the first question out of SO many peoples mouths was “was it planned?”

First of all- how rude?! Do you really need to know if someone was watching their cycle, counting down to fertile days and having planned erm “relations” or if they got drunk, forgot their pill, lost the condom or however else “unplanned” babies might happen? Secondly – what are you going to say if someone turns around and says, “no actually, this was the biggest stuff up we’ve ever made”? Seriously, don’t ask this question, it makes me mad. Just congratulate the mother to be, shake daddy-to-be’s hand, and be happy for them. If it was a woopsie surprise, and you’re close enough friends, I’m sure they’ll tell you, but if you’re my barely acquainted colleague or the lady at the nail salon…none of your damn beeswax!

Just to clarify so that people don’t start accusing me of being touchy because I did get drunk/forget my pills etc, No, this baby was not a mistake, or a surprise. Nor was she meticulously planned. I’ll let you figure that one out on your own.After the announcement come the 9 long months of everyone wanting to know what’s happening with your body….just a few of the questions I got from people I wouldn’t usually discuss these sort of things with, and what I wish I had answered.

“Do your boobs hurt?” – yes, like hell, could you give me a hand and hold them up for me?

Also on the topic of mammaries….”your husband must be enjoying the big boobs!?” – umm no I don’t think so, not when he can see how much pain they cause me and how inconvenient and annoying they are right now(seriously, people DON’T understand big boob problems)

“Aren’t you scared of the pain” – umm no I hadn’t actually thought about pushing a watermelon sized object through a small opening, thanks for reminding me. (To be fair, looking back, they might have been asking about the pain felt during actual pregnancy and not childbirth, but still)

“Why are you eating that?” -Because I’m hungry b***h leave me alone

“How’s the morning sickness going?” – well I just ran into you in the office bathroom while rinsing my mouth out at the tap, and drying my shirt, how do you think it’s going?

And then my favourite, as if I needed reminding I was huge….”Are you sure there’s only one in there?” – No, I’ve gone through at least 5 scans with a trained professional and she’s not sure if she’s counted them all.

“Ooh eating for two there hey!?” Or “oh does baby want a chocolate?”- umm no, this is my normal portion size, and I want a chocolate – would you have made that comment if I wasn’t pregnant and just obese?

The questions and comments change as you go through pregnancy, from inappropriate planning questions, to equally inappropriate comments on your body and size, but there’s one that crops up from the beginning until after the baby is born.

And that gem is….Are you going Natural or C section? Come on people, what I do with my nether regions is my decision and mine alone. What are you going to do with that information? I’ve had total strangers stop and admire my baby and then ask if she was natural or Ceaser, what business is it of yours? Were you planning on slapping my stomach but you won’t now because you know I’ve got stitches? Or are you if I’d said natural would you be imagining how a baby that size came out and the damage she’d left?

I know that most of these come from a place of good intention, but to me, especially if I don’t know you too well, there are limits, and topics of conversation that are appropriate! (If you’re in the inner circle and I’ve let my inhibitions down around you, this doesn’t apply and you probably know that I will tell you far too much info, and no question is too much, but you are the lucky few exceptions to the rule)

The last one, and one I’m still reeling from, is courtesy of an old duck in the Dischem line…and I haven’t thought of a response to this one yet….she’d complimented my beautiful baby, asked if she was my first (yes), asked if I wanted more (yes, some day) and then went on to say whilst looking me up and down, well, once you lose all this baby weight, I’m sure your husband will make that happens sooner rather than later”. -exits, stage right at a shuffle, leaving me flabbergasted and feeling fat. Thanks Granny.

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