What they won’t teach you in antenatal classes

We all know that babies don’t come with manuals, but I was determined to read and learn as much as I could before our little girl made her arrival, and make sure both of us were fully prepared. That meant dear Jared got dragged to not one but two antenatal courses and subjected to endless articles and posts and websites being sent his way. Even though we learnt a huge amount from those courses, there were a few things they failed to mention that I’ve already learnt this first month of Parenthood.

1. When they ask if you want the drugs, you will say yes – and that’s OK! Also your birth plan will probably go out the window, make sure you have a plan B and C and probably D.

2. Your baby will wait until you get in the shower/ on the loo to scream- and nothing dad does will calm her down. Fun times.

3. Always, ALWAYS – have the clean nappy ready….as soon as the fresh air hits those cute little bum cheeks, the floodgates will open.

4. Also projectile poo is a thing. And it will happen when you’re being lazy and changing the baby in bed at 2am – all over your clean white bed linen.

5. Glitter is not a good idea. Little Hannah bear has so many cute dresses and outfits with sparkles on them, flipping adorable, but I’m still fishing glitter out of her and my hair a week later.

6. Baby will always want to feed from the side that hurts the most. How they know this I have no idea!

6b: it’s natural to want to fling them off your boob and across the room when they latch to said sore boob…it is not natural or advisable to actually do so

7. Cute grannies in shopping centers can be judgmental bitches

8. Gripe water is your new best friend. If you don’t know what gripe water is, it’s basically like a Jagermeister for babies, magic potion to soothe their little gassy tummies. We started off being good parents with the sugar free, alcohol free version…guess what? She’d prefers the one with 4,4% alcohol and far too much sugar. Well at least that confirms she is our baby and they didn’t swap her in the hospital!

9. Babies fart (and poop) REALLY loudly. Like really loudly.

10. You will spend hours, if not days staring at your new baby, and just as you memorize each beautiful special feature, they just go and change so you’ll need to spend a few days staring at them again

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